Wife, then Mother

Becoming a mom has been pretty awesome. I mean, I've seen myself change into this emotional, puddle of mush whose heart melts every time I look at his sweet face. When I'm away from him, I think about him and want to be where he is, and making his life the best it can be for him has become my life purpose, my main goal. It's terrifying actually. I always said, "if my kid does that, I'll..." Blah blah blah. Now I more terrified of being a sissy and trying to protect him from any hurt that exists in the world. I love him so much that I feel like my heart may explode. Sometimes I love him so much that I want 10 of him. Sometimes I love him so much that I only want him, because I'm terrified that I could never love another one as much as him. It's overwhelming and exhausting because it's a love that comes from every part of me, requires all of me and my energy. He has my heart. In the midst of all of this, I'm finding that the balance between my marriage and my parenting is basically like trying to juggle drunk with your eyes closed. It's so hard, but I've made it a point to be determined to make my marriage my first priority. It's how God designed marriage, making parenting much easier if the marriage is being nurtured. It's easy to say and a great idea, but discovering what it actually looks like in real life is easier said than done. Before we had Redding, we basically did what we wanted when we wanted. Trips, nights out, concerts, dinner at restaurants, naps, all day Netflix marathons...you get the picture. It was pretty awesome, because it wasn't hard to constantly be thinking about my husband, his needs and his wants. He was the only one I had to think about or wanted to think about. We were never afraid to show a little PDA, and there were times when people made comments about how great we were. We are pretty great together, by the way :) But then Redding came, and the thing that made our lives more rich than they'd ever been, more exciting than we ever knew, and made us better than we ever thought we could be also challenged us in ways we had never been challenged. Our dinners were compromised by his feeding schedules, our nighttime chats were cut short those first couple months  (or non existent) because my eyes were closed as soon as my head hit the pillow, nights out mean packing up the whole house and watching my frozen milk stash dwindle down for a trip to Nana's house. It was more complicated than we had imagined. As several months have past, I look back and the first couple are kind-of a blur, basically survival mode. It wasn't until recently that I felt like a failure. Have I been so busy and consumed with being a great mom that I've failed as a wife? This isn't easy for me to talk about because I pride myself on being a great wife. I hadn't been giving him the best of me. He was getting what was left...what was left after a long day of trying to juggle real estate, laundry, cleaning the house, reading him books, playing with him, breastfeeding him 5 times a day, and pumping. I was exhausted. And at the end of the day, I was often quiet and closed up... just because I was exhausted. It's pretty clear now. There is no perfect balance. It's impossible to be everything to everyone ALL the time. I finally had to pray and ask God to help me be better and show me how. I've found that communicating is essential. Talk as much as you can... About anything, everything. He is my love, my husband, my best friend. I cannot lose focus off of the amazing thing we share, and we must make it top priority to nurture our marriage daily. It may be taking before bed, a night out alone, a nice note, a sweet text... the main thing is that I'm acknowledging him and his needs as my husband and a man on a daily basis. I cannot forget that our marriage is the most sacred, amazing relationship God gives us, and it deserves my full attention. In doing that, I'm a better person and a better mother. My prayer today and always is that I will never stop holding his hand, kissing him, talking to him, listening to him, and taking care of him. I love you, Nate. You make my life so good.