Let it Go

I've been in a rut for a while, and I'm fighting my way out. It took a few days of rolling around in the mud to realize I couldn't stay there for long. I didn't jump up, but I'm climbing slowly. Depressed isn't the word I'd use. Perhaps the kind of rut that sneaks up on you after days of rain, skipping out on time with God, not exercising, and allowing Satan to come in and remind you of all the things you should be anxious about. I read an article recently about Satan stealing your joy, and it hit me hard. I think as young people, we fear Satan bec as (Baptist, anyway), that is what we hear over and over. He comes to steal, kill, and destroy. So in youth group, we are reminded to be cautious in every area of our lives... Don't let satan tempt you. Be aware of Satan trying to bring you down. But then, as adults, we grow up, mature, and our lives become so busy that we feel like we have "outgrown" Satan, and we throw wind to the caution we should use in guarding our hearts. We hear less about Satan and more about "time management", "ways to be a more involved parent", "ways to make your spouse feel loved." We really start to believe that there is a method, a program, a list for everything--- a way WE can do everything. 

We can't. 

We were never created to be able to manage the lives we have created. Jobs, raising children, communicating with your spouse, cooking dinner, maintaining your house, coping with fear, worry, and loss, making it all work-- we weren't created to  do and be all that on our own.  For me, this reality has just hit home. Sure, I've heard it all my life in church and in devotions I've read. But it's never been more clear than right now. As a 31 year, I wept as I realized all the things I thought I had figured out had changed. I went to college to be a teacher, anticipating I would retire doing just that. I spent over 3 years working in that profession, and here I am at 8:00 am, still having my coffee and blogging. Sound like a dream? Yea, it's a dream, but not the one I had planned. 3 years ago, my husband and I bought a house, completely remodeled it, and made some of our best memories there, creating a home that we were certain would be the place we grew up, raising our children on the 10 acres we had. Where am I now? Living in a temporary family rental house in a subdivision. Am I thankful for a place to call home? Of course I am. Did I want to make that move? Yes, I did and in the end it will be the best thing we've done, but It's just not the plans we originally had. Did I mention we have a baby now? Perhaps this one occurrence has been the biggest change of all! The best one, but still a change. I'm a control freak. I found that out my first year teaching. I like it my way. You know the type: the "It's not that I wouldn't love for someone to clean my house, I'm just not sure they would do it like I do" type. I've always been a worker bee... I like to do it all. I loved waiting tables in high school, learning about the real estate world in college, and then teaching for a few years. And here I am at 31 and I have NO idea what the future holds for me or my family. I don't know what my professional life looks like in 5 years, I don't know where we will live in 5 years, where my son will go to school, and the list could go on and on...

All this drives me absolutely crazy. I think about it, and it eats me alive. Why? Because I have been made fully aware that I'm not in control. I don't have it figured out. I have allowed Satan to steal my joy. About everything. I've allowed him to sneak in and poke at all the unknowns in my life, and he had almost convinced me that I needed answers to all of them right away. I've been in a frenzy of business planning and praying and asking my husband all these questions about future stuff, and all along, God has been there. Silently urging me to rest. Urging me to let it go. Urging me to accept that I don't have that control.. And even if I did, I wouldn't be able to manage it! We were never designed to be able to deal with it alone. Today, I'm going to try to relax in his presence, taking it one day at a time. I'm going to try to give him more of me and my time so that I can approach him with open arms and say, "Here, it's yours... 

I figured out I can't." 

Philippians 4:12, "I have leaned the secret of being content in any and every situation."