Slow Down

I'm writing today through exhaustion, so there will be errors and maybe some rambling, but at any rate, this was on my heart. We found ourselves driving our youngest to the ER Sunday night. This was our first trip (amazingly) with a kid who needed to go in. To be honest the whole thing is a bit of a blur. We were told over the phone to bring him to the ER for a high fever, and the next thing I know, he's getting a spinal tap and we were admitted. Watching your 10 week old baby cry with an IV, wearing the teeny tiniest hospital gown you've ever seen will really wear a mama down. I'm a worrier anyway... always concerned about the safety and well-being of my boys and imagining the worst. This was definitely no exception. But as I sat there during the night holding him and looking into his big, blue eyes, the biggest thing on my heart was that I needed to slow down. WE needed to slow down. He's only 10 weeks, and I didn't take hardly any time off work, I started exercising a lot (before I should've honestly), I continued to show up to things I'd signed up to do,  and I didn't give myself or our family time to adjust to a new human being in our home. Was this the reason for his sickness? Probably not, but could it be? Sure it could. It was viral... he picked it up somewhere, and I'm completely aware that it could've been anyone or anywhere, so I'm not saying it's because of our super busy lives, but the point is that I recognized it. I recognized that our lives are too busy. We are overcommitted, tired, and often times so rushed to get to the next place that we aren't even enjoying what we are rushing to get to. It's become too much for a toddler and 2 month old. I was reminded that they aren't designed to run with that schedule and lifestyle. I was ashamed to look back over the past few weeks and remembered a few times I actually woke my toddler up from a nap to go somewhere and then got angry at him for being a terror later. We have become a culture that thinks we always have to be somewhere and be doing something, and I don't want that kind of stress and constant rush for my children. It's made me realize that it's ok to say no sometimes... to stay home and be present with my family. There's a problem when your kid has learned to ask "where we going after our nap?" And "where we going after we wake up" every.single.day.  Sometimes saying no to something doesn't mean that you don't like it... it may just mean you don't love it. I want more time with the people and things that I LOVE. I want to be present during those things and with those people. Like really present. I don't want our boys to look back and remember the rush to get places and the chaos of getting there. I want them to have memories of doing things they love with the people they love. I've become too frazzled, jerked in a million directions, and I will not choose that anymore. It's no ones fault but my own, but I won't do it anymore. Not for my people. Not for our family. I'm gonna breathe and take it all in and slow down. It doesn't mean that we won't do anything... that's impossible. It just means that I'm going to be better at the things I choose to devote my time to, rather than be mediocre at a million things.  My job right now is to be a better mama and a better wife. That's what God wants me to be and do during this season of my life. Now, I think I'll get busy slowing down :)

Matthew 11:28-30; 28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”